Reflections
I was scared and tempered in my mind and heart that the work I was predestined to do would be over in a day. I was not sure myself of what I would do, but I fought that urge, the fear, the trepidation of an uncertain tomorrow. I believe that it matters very little, in fact, very little concerns me. It is time I learned to live in the present. Yesterday in the vending, Dorcas hinted that schools would be opening and that the government had given directives on the reopening of schools. I felt bad, flabbergasted, and swollen inside my heart and head. How could they just decide to reopen schools? Would I be pushed to the wall again, and forced, among other things to work for a month, and wait for a salary that is fixed, that is never changing, that caters to very little of my needs, the rat race game?
These are thoughts, condensed on the idea of the reality of existence, the change I have always procured, festered, and thus need to ensure that I work hard to accomplish. Ideally, I have expected this, I have known from deep within my being that I would have to decide as pertains whether to remain a teacher, tied to the self-same pay-out a month, or to become liberal-minded, and face the world as a man, to work hard to establish myself int he reality of freelancer domains, especially as a painter, or as a technician, whichever one has an opportunity beckoning. I am hopeful to God that I will make a viable decision as pertains to this idea, meanwhile, it is necessary to explore present needs.
Game Plan
The challenge with worry, fear, and anxiety is that you worry about a problem perceived, not felt. The exact challenge of unemployment, which is seen in to affect me from Tuesday, while today is a Sunday, has drawn its roots to my head and heart. I am scared to put and am thinking, even experiencing periods of brooding which I find difficult to ignore. They are messages to my mind, definitely not from God, and which are trying to fix me to realize that, maybe, probably, I have no chance on the planet. My counter resurge is to mention these words, clear and vivid, BE HERE AND NOW. I must be in the present, I must forget about the future, I must ignore the past. I must center my thoughts on the exact occurrences of the present. I have food, I have a house, I have electricity, I have gas, I have water, I have a chance to go to Mass, am composed, am happy, am breathing, am not ill, am learning, and am becoming better day by day, am making new friends, learning new lessons day by day, I am.
These words, these resurgence thoughts have been able to keep my sanity with me. I have to let myself feel what I have been able to overcome. The body, mind, and characteristic elements of doubt are left to want, I am fighting a fight in my head, a head that has known fear all along, a head that has made decisions to settle needs, which are valid in the future. It is war. My soul deeply tells me, You are still a billionaire. I take a matter and they charge exorbitantly in fare, but that doesn’t matter, I even feel bad that the conductor has reduced the fare due to me. I need to pay the whole price, I need to feel like a man, I need to completely obliterate the fear of spending, the fear of losing, the fear of failure, and the fear of seeming like an idiot in the world we are living.
My wife calls in the evening, she is fighting the trepidations too, she feels plagued to fear and unwonted recurrence of needs we find difficult to meet. She is lost in the murk of fear, and these words touch a raw nerve in me. I have no strength to argue with her, I concur with all her words, all her options are golden, but am anticipating a new game plan. I can only execute it in person, I can only accomplish it myself. I will call her to have us leave everything to chance. I will tell her that we need to develop a thick skin, I will tell her that we need to accept that God is not bad and that as long as we have our hope in Him, all things will work out just fine, even better than we anticipated. I need to tell her that the challenges we are experiencing are only temporary and that a greater feat is on our way, greater things are coming, the money issues that assail us will be trodden out of existence, and the new Us will be a stronger family, a stronger household.
The fear in me reeks out like a foam of arrogant desire. I feel like going on a sprint, calling a girl, and fucking her brains out. I feel so emotionally charged that I could explode, but those are the same emotions, when well channeled, will derive the best in me, will make me a better guy, and will help me to realize how much power, how much control, how much influence I have over my whole life.
